Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
It seems we have entered the rejection season. Folks are hearing back from their university applications. Cuffing season is coming to an end. And this past week, my friend Kelly Hoey wrote in her newsletter about rejection and her journey with her second book.
The proposal for my second book is currently out to market, and I'm filled with that familiar nervous-tinged hope (nervous-soaked, perhaps?), but the fear of rejection still casts its shadow. I remember in early 2019, when I'd submitted my first book proposal to six or seven agents and been turned down. It was brutal. Each one felt like a slap in the face.
There's a reason rejection feels so visceral. Research out of UCLA found that social rejection activates the same brain regions involved in physical pain. When we face rejection from agents or editors, lovers or family, universities or job applications, our brains literally process it as an injury.
I recall one agent who went above and beyond the typical form rejection, suggesting changes to my proposal and kindly sharing the names of five agents she thought might like my work. In late 2019, with my much-improved proposal in hand, I started querying agents again. On my first try, I was signed. I couldn't believe my luck!
Then came 2020. COVID turned the world upside down, and the publishing industry ground to a halt. My agent suggested we wait until the chaos settled. In summer 2020, I sent her another revised version of my proposal, and her response was… a form letter rejection! I was gobsmacked. She’d signed me nine months ago!
For about 72 hours, I spiralled - hard. Which makes sense, as rejection triggers a cascade of effects. Anger, anxiety, and depression. Shame. Reduced performance and poor impulse control. But I pulled myself together, rented an Airbnb for the weekend and started querying all the same agents from my first round, along with heaps more. The lovely woman who'd given me five names the first time gave me the same list again — with one additional name added. That additional name became my agent, and three months later, The Power of Wonder was purchased at auction by Penguin Random House for six figures.
Even though I lived it, I still only remembered the successful resolution, not the roller coaster getting there. This turns out to be a well-documented phenomenon called the Fading Affect Bias. Emotions fade more rapidly for unpleasant memories than pleasant ones, and our recall gradually becomes more positive over time, functioning as an emotional regulation mechanism that supports resilience.
So what helps us move through rejection? Research suggests that acceptance by just one person can prevent the spiral. That's what happened to me — I wasn't looking for universal acceptance, just one agent who believed in me, and one publisher who believed in the book. And time does some of the work for you, too. The sting fades faster than the feeling of eventual satisfaction.
As I wait for responses this time around, I'm holding onto what the science tells us: that time will soften the sting, and one yes is all it really takes.
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Your brain learns from rejection: Here’s how it becomes your compass for connection.
Listen: Why ‘activating’ your vagus nerve has become the latest wellness trend: Strange Health podcast.
The ape who could play make-believe: Kanzi, the bonobo, demonstrates imagination, a cognitive capacity thought unique to humans.
Enjoy Wonderbringers? Forward this to a friend or two! :)
With wonder,
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