Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
This past weekend, I attended my 30th college reunion. (Yes, I am just as surprised as you are that I am, in fact, old enough to attend such an event.) We managed to gather a dozen of our “Home Team” from all over the world in what felt like a celebration of three decades of first loves. It was such a powerful infusion of memories mainlined into my soul.
There was a couple who met in chem lab who are still as crazy in love (and crazy in general) as they’ve ever been. Another who met in law school and just sent their oldest to a semester abroad. But even those of us who are in our second marriages were there celebrating our first loves in one manner or another.
For me, it was recalling the love affair I’ve had with the city of Miami. A place I loved and left and then returned to after breaking off my engagement to my first-love college boyfriend. Being there again, with these people from my past, lit up parts of my psyche that made me feel so grateful and alive.
For all of us, it was a celebration of the enduring love we feel for our chosen family. Remembering the first times we met each other, and recalling the moments when we felt in our heart, “I choose you.” All of us relishing the oft-stated maxim that with true friends, even decades apart melt away.
And of course, we regaled each other with stories of shared firsts. Stories of road trips to Montana and vacations to Key West. Of beach days and boat rides, of dive bars and debauchery, of iguanas and hurricanes, of kids and parents, weddings and funerals.
Research shows that first loves engage the brain’s reward and motivation systems in a uniquely powerful way. Dopamine spikes in the reward circuits, which can feel almost addictive. This neural surge is why memories from that time remain vivid for years. The experience can recalibrate our brain's reactions to everything, from goal setting to trust and attachment, for the rest of our lives.
Alongside the dopamine-driven excitement, hormonal changes in oxytocin and cortisol create lasting emotional salience. The brain encodes not only the person but the entire experience, linking emotions with sensory cues like smells, voices, and places. As one of my friends described it, she had never felt so embodied. Like every cell was full and activated.
Over time, these firsts, which are full of curiosity, risk-taking, and experimentation,
lay down templates for intimacy, communication, and emotional safety, consolidating these early lessons into healthy patterns for later partnerships. Reflecting on what these friendships taught us creates a more resilient mindset that helps us manage a chaotic world, even when we are apart.
Want to practice gratitude for your first loves, platonic or otherwise? Try these prompts:
Which of your close friends models the traits you value most in relationships (loyalty, listening, play)? How can you let them know?
Identify one habit you could cultivate to strengthen a current friendship (regular check-ins, shared activities, little rituals). How will you start this week?
Consider how you express gratitude to friends. Write a short note or message to one person to acknowledge what their friendship has meant to you.
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Listen: Sideways: Why are our first loves so unforgettable?
The life-long psychological effects your first love has on you: If love is an addiction, your first love is the first dose.
Heartbreak and Home Runs: From winning the science fair to losing a first boyfriend, the power of youthful first experiences.
For the month of November, I’m encouraging everyone to try some gratitude journaling. For this week’s journal, try one of the friendship prompts above and share how it made you feel.
With wonder,
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