Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
Approximately 875 people in the US died last week from gun violence (84 of them children). One of those victims was a polarising character with a large social media following, and the result has been paroxysms of varied emotions by people who only knew the victim parasocially.
Parasocial relationships are unusual. Defined as the one-sided emotional bond cultivated through exposure to a person’s public persona (or even fictional character), it was first observed in the 1950s just as TV sets were populating many a modern living room. Parasocial relationships are why thousands of people across the globe mourned the death of Princess Diana or Elvis Presley. The death felt personal, and it was to the parasocial brain.
Now, with social media, actors, musicians and influencers share detailed views of their lives with eager fans, and parasocial relationships are morphing into something more complex and more troublesome. Social media allows for occasional direct interactions with these ‘personae’ through likes and replies, and monetisation efforts now sell ways for fans to have increasingly greater access. And these relationships can be positive or negative, where we can love or revile a person we have never met, based solely on the filter of media exposure.
This parasocial dynamic is borne out of our ancient hardwiring. In the past, when we heard someone speak, it meant we knew them, and when we invited them into our homes, they were likely a trusted member of our in-group. Now, when we invite someone into our home on our smartphone screens, our brain doesn’t discern that these people are actually strangers.
Most people are able to recognise the true nature of these relationships, and it gives them comfort or makes them feel less lonely, but some turn toxic, even resulting in stalking, mobbing or doxxing. (I posit that one of the results of this dynamic is why we have an epidemic of ghosting. People aren't able to differentiate between the etiquette for real humans vs the masses we know parasocially, so we treat actual relationships the same as clicking ‘unfollow’.)
If you find yourself this week irrationally emotional about what is happening to and about people you don’t actually know, it’s possible you’ve allowed a parasocial relationship to take hold of your psyche.
Here are three ways to get some perspective:
Acknowledge the illusion and pivot to reality: Whenever you find yourself becoming too emotionally invested, enraged or overwhelmed, remind yourself that this relationship is not real. Then, pivot your attention to someone on social media you actually do know and connect with them in a way that invests in those genuine relationships.
Explore the attachment: Try to understand what the parasocial relationship is giving you and why you’re seeking it. Is it loneliness, stress, boredom, righteous indignation? Try to fulfil that need through real-life experiences and people instead.
Touch grass around other humans: Silence notifications. Log off. Put the phone down. Go out and be in the presence of other humans in a place where you can ground yourself. Try a bit of small talk with a stranger IRL.
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
The Machine Stops: The famed neurologist Oliver Sacks on steam engines, smartphones, and fearing the future.
A batch of undelivered WWII letters ended up in an Oregon museum: Experts are returning the lost correspondence to their families decades later.
Complexity science can deepen your mindfulness practice: What if ‘stress reduction’ is the least interesting thing mindfulness does?
Need a giggle? I fully support you entering into a parasocial relationship with these girls at a wildlife preserve.
With wonder,
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