Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
A Wonderbringers reader (thanks, Cami!) clued me in to a live stream yesterday featuring Jefferson Fisher discussing the power of good conversation. In it, he talked about the ‘knot’ of verbal conflict. Fisher observes that the knot of disagreement only gets tighter and more difficult to untie the harder we pull in another direction, so to untie the knot, we need to be willing to loosen our position.
I spent the evening noodling this idea, and I see another dimension to the knot concept. The knot of disagreement also binds us to the person we are in conflict with. Our human brain is a ruminative beast. If we have a knot of contention with another person, our noggins will churn over this issue again and again. Picking at it consciously and subconsciously until it is released.
It makes me think of a family member who has a political ideology that runs contrary to what I hold dear (and frankly, seems contrary to the person they are as well). I find I constantly have conversations in my head with them, worrying the knot of discord. Pulling it ever tighter, even when I am not in actual conversation with this person.
What does it do to a relationship when you are bound by a knot of discord? And how can you untie it? Fisher suggests asking the person about the feelings behind the words and working from there, but I actually think almost all the work needs to come at an individual level, working to release our hold on our own ideology.
Political neuroscientist Leor Zmigrod (what a cool job!) explains ideology as the ‘brain’s delicious answer to the problem of prediction and communication’. Meaning that our brains are ‘predictive organs,’ always seeking a shortcut to decision-making. Ideology is an effective way to give your brain a roadmap. But this runs counter to wonder, of course. If we already know the outcome, then where is the opportunity for discovering something unexpected?
So recognising that our brains crave ideology, how can we allow wonder to loosen the knots of conflict in our lives?
Ask yourself these three questions:
Why do I need to be right? This question forces us to acknowledge the role our ego plays in any disagreement. It helps us begin to unbind ourselves from the natural tug-of-war that occurs when our beliefs are challenged.
What if I am wrong? (Or even better, What if we are both right?) A good dose of humility, followed by some self-compassion, can sometimes be the very thing we need to untie our ideology from others and ourselves. Recognising that you might both be right activates nuance, elevating critical thinking and perspective taking.
What if releasing my ideology isn’t ‘weakness but wisdom’? Many ancient Greek philosophers championed an ideal known as ataraxia, a concept that can be roughly translated as ‘having no fucks left to give.’ When we hold too tightly to our ideology, it becomes our identity. But when we decouple from our beliefs, the end result is peace, externally and internally.
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Flower once nearly extinct found in the wild for the first time in a century: It is being described as a ‘truly thrilling moment’.
A two-month-old black bear was found starving alone in a California forest: Now he’s being raised by wildlife staff in bear costumes.
The mathematical mysteries of fireflies: What blinking bugs reveal about synchrony in the universe.
Today is Hug Your Cat Day. So if you’ve got a cat, please send me a picture of you hugging it!!
With wonder,
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