Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
We all have our ups and downs, but for some of us, those peaks and valleys can be much more dramatic. Emotional regulation matters more than we might think. Starting in childhood, kids who are better able to regulate their emotions perform better in school.
It’s probably not surprising that a kid having a meltdown won't be able to focus too well on an assignment. But in a longitudinal study where scientists followed people for 50 years, they found that those same kids with poor emotional regulation turned out to be adults who struggled financially and were four times more likely to get into trouble with the law. (I think we can imagine what an adult meltdown might look like that ends in a ‘timeout’ in the county lock-up.)
Those same adults, a decade later, were more likely to experience substance abuse and showed more markers of ageing and ill health, including higher cholesterol and tooth decay. And now the kicker: they even looked older in photos.
So why are some people better at emotional regulation than others? First, many people may have what are known as ‘implicit theories’, which are fixed ideas on whether they can control their emotions or whether their emotions control them. People who have fixed beliefs that they can’t control their emotions do not fare as well as those who believe they are the masters of their emotional landscape. But fortunately, these implicit theories can be rewired effectively with simple one-sentence primes like, ‘I can control my emotions.’
Also, we know that having a broad vocabulary of emotions, or what’s known as ‘emotional granularity’, is associated with resilience and regulation. Being able to identify that you are not in fact angry, but rather feel let down, exhausted or lonely, will help your reaction to those emotions be more balanced.
Some other ways to improve your emotional regulation:
Change your environment: Giving your brain a novel setting to observe helps reset your emotional state. Time in nature is particularly helpful, but a 30-minute walk in the city can hit the reset button, too. Even soothing natural drone footage has been shown to help.
Use your senses: Find sensory ways to shift your mood. A bit like changing your environment, use your senses to change your perception of your surroundings. Focus on the tactile feeling of a hot bath, a snuggle with your pet or dirt through your fingers while gardening. Other senses can be engaged too, like the smell of baking bread or listening to music. Keep in mind when using music as a sensory shifter that if you are feeling down, don’t jump right to happy tunes. Start with something a bit bittersweet and work your way up to high-energy polkas.
Self-distancing: Imagine or write the story of your emotions in the third person. Studies have shown that this simple exercise helps create perspective on our emotional state. This is particularly helpful for anxiety or future fears. Use a ‘time-machine’ to give yourself even more distance—ask yourself how this issue will feel in five years to take some of the sting out of the moment.
Are you the master of your emotional domain? What are your strategies for keeping your emotions in check?
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Read: The Ambition Trap - How to Stop Chasing and Start Living. The author Amina will be one of my first guests on my new podcast (eeek!)
Watch: Ocean Vuong discussing his new book, "The Emperor Of Gladness": Oprah's Book Club.
Feeling blue? Daily doses of awe ‘fend off depression and stress’: Everyday moments of awe-inspiring wonder may offer a simple, drug-free boost to mental health (Thanks to reader Mark for this!)
It’s the time of year when summer vacations/holidays are being planned. I want to know if you have some summer reads you are excited about! I’ll share them with other Wonderbringers readers in the coming weeks.
With wonder,
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