Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
Last week, my family gathered in New York City to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday. Seeing it written here seems odd, as in my mind, my mom is an eternal 39. While she is a very spry 80-year-old, this isn’t so much about my view of her as it is her view of herself. Mom always joked every birthday that she was ‘39 again.’ When her kids surpassed the age of 39, it became a bit awkward, but she said in her mind we were all still only 18, so it made perfect sense to her.
Apparently, most of us think of ourselves as younger than we really are, and the divergence between feeling our actual age and an age younger than we are occurs just about when we are 39 years old. And this mind over matter (or belief over birthday) seems to work, as those who feel younger appear to live longer, too. Some posit this is because it’s not really until our 30s that our brain stops maturing, and it is only at the end of that decade when our brain begins to age. (I can recall one year my mom thought she was 49, only to realise she was actually 48 just days before her actual 49th birthday, so she has at least once, aged backwards!)
Even though Mom enjoys blessedly youthful physical and cognitive health, her turning 80 is naturally confronting for me, as well, as it means I am getting older, too. It’s a reminder that she won’t be here forever—that none of us will—and it would be easy to begin grieving the time we won’t have in the future.
What’s known as anticipatory grief can occur for the anticipated loss of anything meaningful, not just the death of a loved one. It can be the loss of autonomy when becoming a parent, the loss of your work friends when changing jobs or the loss of your home after a divorce. It’s different from conventional grief largely because society doesn't view it as ‘real grief’, resulting in a unique kind of shame, guilt and isolation.
How can you manage anticipatory grief?
Identify and name your feelings: Anticipatory grief isn’t the same as conventional grief. You may feel bittersweet, guilty, anxious, incapable, selfish or scared. Journal about these emotions, as research shows that naming emotions helps with resilience.
Allow yourself to feel these feelings: Especially if the loss is not related to a death, but rather a life change, well-meaning people may not understand the depth of your emotions. Don’t force yourself to be a happy-chondriac with expressions like ‘when one door closes another opens’. Say no to toxic positivity and give yourself a bit of grace to wallow for a bit.
Stay present and make memories: Focus on spending meaningful time and cherishing moments with the object of your loss. Take photos, record stories, make a scrapbook. Whatever will help you enjoy the time you have, and celebrate it after it is done.
Have you experienced anticipatory grief? What helped you?
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Don’t know how to face your mom? Talk to your friend’s Mom instead.
Epigenetic 'scars' on the genome can be passed down by grandmothers: How genes are expressed can change based on a person's experiences and environment.
The scientific reason years get faster as we get older: And how to slow them down.
I will be in Denver and Atlanta in mid-June and San Francisco and NYC in mid-July. Do you have a book club reading The Power of Wonder or a team that needs more wonder at work? Let me know so I can join!
With wonder,
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