Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
Last month I was in California and Oregon. The former for a keynote and the latter to complete my psychedelic facilitation certification (more on that one later!) While there, I was able to meet up with some of my old college friends (old in tenure, but still young-ish in age). Each of them holder of some of my most cherished times.
One was my college roommate. She and I have shared more firsts than I can recount. (I’m not sure which is more memorable: hunkering under a mattress as the eye of Hurricane Andrew passed over our on-campus apartment or a cross-country U-Haul drive from Montana to Miami accompanied by her two iguanas and one very large wandering philodendron.) Another had been in my posse in college but became an even closer friend through my 30s, as it was at her wedding that I met my ex-husband (and yes, I caught the bouquet). Another was from New Orleans, so my memories of her are suffused with parades and parties, second lines and 6am stumbles home. And my host while I was in San Diego is a friend who somehow manages to always be the nicest human in any friend group he belongs to. (He’s also bafflingly single, so any men out there who want to be considered, send me your CV!)
When we got together, the first thing we did was try and calculate how long it had been since we’d seen each other. It ranged from eight to nineteen years. It was hard to wrap my head around how long it had been since we’d seen each other, partly because it simply didn’t feel that long. We had all aged certainly, but being together felt so ‘normal’ and uncontrived. But also, I just couldn’t believe I had let so much time pass. (As one said, ‘I’ve grown a whole adult human since I last saw you!’) Living across the ocean is certainly partially to blame (further exacerbated by the ‘object permanence’ of ADHD.) Covid, the time thief that it was, didn’t help either. And social media sometimes gives the impression of connection while being a lousy simulacrum for the real thing.
As I was flying home, a few thoughts struck me. First is just how important these keepers of our memories are. They told stories that I had completely forgotten, but upon their telling, became so real again. What a gift! It’s like a whole life I had lived had been resurrected. I also realised that while we have all changed, the core of who we are still finds a home in each other. That’s a gift, too. And lastly, it is a surprisingly moving experience to have friends of yours, who chose you when you had nothing to offer but your goofy, gangly teenage self, see you shine in front of an audience and tell you how proud they are of you. I felt like a human firework, fizzing with light. And in a strange way, I also felt like 18-year-old Monica was there too, proud of who she had become, but only because she had seen herself through the eyes of these people who had formed her.
It just didn’t feel like enough time. I wanted more — to discover who they have become in the decades that I’ve missed. To rectify that, I am trying to spearhead a gathering for our university class’s 30th reunion this November, so I can see their smiling faces again. But I know that life gets in the way, so I may have to savour these memories for a while before I have the opportunity to top them up again.
Do you have a friend you haven’t seen in ages? What is stopping you from reconnecting?
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
How to reconnect with old friends who have become strangers: People are reluctant to reach out to contacts with whom they have lost touch—but gratified when they do.
The friendship paradox: We all want more time with our friends, but we’re spending more time alone.
Listen: The six forces that fuel friendship: Julie Beck spent more than three years interviewing friends for “The Friendship Files.” Here’s what I’ve learned.
Thanks to everyone who joined the visioning board webinar last week! There were a lot of people who wanted to join but couldn’t, so I may look to do another one in the autumn. I’ll keep you posted!
With wonder,
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