Wonderbringers Newsletter with Monica Parker
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Hello Wonderseekers!
It would be impossible to be unmoved by the harrowing scenes of the wildfires consuming Southern California. I don't have any direct experience with wildfires, but growing up in Louisiana and South Florida, I understand the helplessness and fear in the face of an impassive natural disaster.
I have read an op-ed or two suggesting, ‘It’s only things’ or ‘At least you’re alive. You can always rebuild.’ And while yes, this is to some degree true, beyond lacking empathy, our ‘stuff’ is more than just the physical representation of our earned income. Our things are an embodiment of our self-hood and identity. From the age of two years old, we recognise the concept of ownership, and by six, we bestow additional meaning to those things we own. This sense of ownership is so powerful that in one study, more than 25% of all conflicts at daycare involved issues around possessions.
By adulthood, our purchases represent our outward expression of self and consciously and subconsciously signal our values and drivers to others. This connectivity between our possessions and self-concept is stronger in individualistic cultures and less so in collectivist cultures. This is why losing our belongings is a loss of self, similar to the loss of a loved one, and the trauma felt by victims of theft and vandalism feels more like a physical violation akin to an assault than any financial loss. And just like our relationships with people, our relationships with stuff deepen with time, making long-term ownership of objects like our home or our wedding silver a relationship suffused with meaning and nostalgia.
So how can we manage when we have to part with our things, be it in divorce, a natural disaster or even just downsizing?
Control: If the loss is out of your control try to exert that sense of autonomy in other ways.
Community: Connecting with our community reminds us of the greater meaning of relationships while being able to commiserate about the loss
Compassion: Practice self-compassion and allow yourself to feel the sense of grief and loss
Curiosity: Stay curious about your feelings and the experience. Curiosity is a key to resilience and helps people move from post-traumatic stress to post-traumatic growth.
While materialism is associated with higher levels of selfishness and depression, purchases driven by a strong sense of ‘why’ rather than a gluttony of ‘that’ can reinforce our identity in a positive way.
Some wonderbringers for me this week:
Belonging Vs. Belongings: In Search Of Meaning In A Consumer-Driven World
I lost everything in a house fire — including my sense of self
Quotable quotes:
‘A man's Self is the sum total of all that he can call his.’
- William James, The Principles of Psychology, 1890
With wonder,
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